kiwi gelato and an update on the job hunt

remember my last post i mentioned a job fair in Newport? well, i MIGHT get the job! or i MIGHT NOT! i know, this whole thing makes me kinda nervous, too. basically, whether i get the job or not (a part time prep cook position) depends on my fall schedule for school, which i won't know until July 7th. sooo, at this point i'm hoping and PRAYING that they'll still want me by then! i was one of the VERY FEW people who actually bothered to dress well (i swear, over half the people just came in tshirts and jeans and flip flops -__-), so i'm hoping that worked well to my advantage.

anyway, onto the gelato!

probably one of the easiest frozen desserts i've ever made, as it has no eggs, and no cooking process whatsoever! :)

kiwis were on sale at my local mexican market for 8 for $1, so of course, i had to take advantage of that...

creamy, soft and tart :p it even managed to stay soft after a day in the freezer, whereas most of the ice creams i've made in the past have just hardened. the only thing i would really change about this recipe is to use powdered sugar instead of granulated white since it's not cooked, and the granulated sugar doesn't really dissolve. other than that, it's a good 8 out of 10 :)

AnQi garlic noodles with beef

in my Dining Room Service class, we pooled all the tips we earned during the semester and on our last day we used that money to eat at AnQi, a Vietnamese/fusion bistro in South Coast Plaza. with the tips and money from the restaurant, we had a budget of $50 per person, and it should have been enough for an appetizer, entree, dessert, and service.

AnQi is supposed to be famous for their garlic noodles, and when we had them as our entrees, it was without a doubt, very tasty. but in my mind, it also seemed deceptively simple... soo, of course, i went browsing around the interwebz looking for a recipe, which i found almost immediately! yay internet! and yes, it was INCREDIBLY easy... the recipe only had 5 ingredients! FIIVE!!! (six if you count salt, but why would you?)

chewy, garlicky, and buttery noodles, topped with sauteed beef i marinated the night before and scallions. while i doubt this dish is Vietnamese AT ALL, at this point i really don't care because it tastes good, and that's all that matters :)

so let's look and compare the differences: the slices of beef i used were thinner, and i sliced the scallions in rounds instead of strips. i also probably marinated the beef differently because i was kinda winging it with that last night haha. it's crazy how much people will pay for something so simple! i guess i have to give AnQi props though; the interior is swanky and the tofu banana cheesecake tasted WAY better than it sounded. but now that i know i can make the dish they're famous for, i probably won't ever go there again (unless someone else is paying hahaha).

raspberry and almond clafoutis and memorial day weekend

3 day weekend! not that it really matters to me at this point because spring semester is finally over! weee! i'm finally getting around to using all those berries in my fridge, so expect more posts to come soon :)

this morning i made a raspberry and almond clafoutis, which was awesomely eggy and custard-like. i know typically clafoutis uses cherries, but seeing as how i had a ton of raspberries lying around and i'm MUCH too lazy to go out and buy a bunch of fresh cherries and pit them MYSELF, well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! plus, raspberries and almonds are a classic flavor combination, and i just happened to have the right amount of almond flour left over.

i tried sifting a little powdered sugar over the top but it kinda just melted into the custard center. also, i took the finished pictures after they cooled down and the middle sunk a little. still good, though! :D

right after i put them in the oven

nice and bubbly right after i took them out of the oven :p

the one thing i regret is waiting for them to cool down... they probably would have tasted bomb right out of the oven, but i had things to attend to today, and places to go!

today my cousin, my sister, and i all went to the Shoppes at Chino Hills, which is a pretty cool outdoor mall-- it has a bunch of stores from an organic produce store (with a bunch of free samples!) to an H&M. also, New York & Company was having a sale and i bought my first dress of the summer! yayy :D

as for the rest of this Memorial Day weekend, tomorrow the family is going to have a little bbq, and monday i'm planning on going hiking with my cousin. also, since this weekend is supposed to be super hott, my goal this weekend (and the rest of the summer) is to try and tan my pasty white legs -___- i already started today by wearing a skirt while shopping outdoors, and mostly they just turned red but it's getting there! hopefully by the end of this summer they'll be nice and golden brown :)

blackberry ganache tartlets, almond biscotti, and reasons i don't study for finals

last week was elaine's birthday, and as part of her gift i wanted to bake her something, as per tradition. last year it was a strawberry tartlet, and this year it's chocolate galore! eee! the other part of her gift was a very embarrassing picture of us at prom that i had blown up and printed to almost poster size, and i would show that here too if i didn't find it so ridiculously horrifying haha (in retrospect i probably should have had someone else do my makeup for prom -____-)

but ANYWAY, here it is: almond biscotti that i brushed with chocolate and mini blackberry ganache tartlets. sooooo good :p
gettin' nice & golden in the oven. before i put chocolate on it my brother said he thought it was garlic bread -__- i GUESS i could understand that assumption just based on the pictures, but did it SMELL like garlic? huh?!
after i brushed them with chocolate :)
i guess it's berry season? i went to HMart this weekend to buy some bulgogi for my mom (which is RIDONKULOUSLY good btw) and guess what? 6 oz packages of blackberries there were 2 for $1!!! my first thought when i saw this was "WTF? WWHAT IIS THIS?!!!" mainly because Fresh & Easy was selling the same amount for $4, which at the time, i thought was a good deal. WTF kind of shieet are you trying to pull, Fresh & Easy?! also, raspberries! how i long for you so! HMart was selling 12 oz for $1.79!! Stater Bros. sells the same amount for $8!! so since i obviously stumbled upon a treasure chest of some sort, i grabbed as much as i could get, and now my refrigerator is chock-full of berries. "but what are you going to do with said berries, elaine?" WELL, i plan on making something delicious. that's what.

as for school, right now i'm kinda crawling along finals week. i had a 3 hour period between my classes today so i could study for my Anthro final, but i just COULDN'T do it. i really tried. basically i opened up my Nonverbal Behavior book and immediately fell asleep. i tried this twice, and fell asleep twice. it's boring; go figure. this morning i took my menu planning final (which i only somewhat regret not really studying for haha) and i have my Baking 2 final tomorrow, which i don't really need to study too much for since it's open note/open book; i figure since i did pretty well on the previous tests and quizzes that it shouldn't be too bad this time since i have the notes right in front of me.

finals always seems to come along when i feel totally drained and sooo so so much over it, whatever "it" is. i've noticed that every semester is pretty much like that. so i'll study at the beginning and throughout the semester, but once it's coming to an end i pretty much just lose interest. sighh. maybe someday i'll find a lecture class that can keep me attentive throughout the entire semester. but until then, i probably won't ever do anything more than cram sessions for finals :p

strawberry and white wine terrine

after a couple days of having ice cream for dessert (damn you, 10 for $10 deals!) i decided maybe it was time for something with a lighter (or at least something that seemed deceptively light) taste.

hence, strawberry and white wine terrine.

i know, i know. there are 7 calories per gram of alcohol. whatevs, you guys! in my mind, jello is light, no matter what it's made from. besides, i've wanted to make a fruit terrine for a while, mainly after seeing this beauty in one of my mom's Good Housekeeping magazines years ago (the colors!). so after realizing i had a box of gelatin and a package of strawberries just sitting in the fridge (because for some reason my family doesn't seem to like strawberries unless they're put IN something else or ON something else), i decided it was time to give it a go. i haven't really gotten a good chance to work with gelatin by myself anyway.


i made both a mini terrine (using a ramekin) and a large one in a loaf pan, for the pamilia :)

side view, so you can see both the strawberry (red) and the white wine (clear) layers.

aerial view. note to self: learn how to plate, woman! i guess i just got lazy this time and plopped it on the bowl. if i were to go all out, i would probably have added some chantilly cream and a mint leaf on top, and maybe a strawberry coulis on the side (also, if i were to go all out i probably wouldn't have been impatient while unmolding it and the edges would probably look more crisp haha).

yummm :p the wine taste actually wasn't as strong as i thought it would be (because apparently i haven't acquired a taste for wine yet), and it actually tasted pretty damn good. one thing i also needed for this was more strawberries -___- i only had one box, and the recipe called for 2 pints + 1/2 cup of strawberries so i ended up stealing a few from my uncle (shh!). oh well. i think it tasted totally fine, and it sure as hell did NOT need 6+ hours to set, like the recipe said. sighh.

as for my life, there's not much to really update on that you guys don't already know. we haven't moved yet, although we're trying to get ready for that (albeit slowly). i have a couple of projects due in the next coming weeks, and guess what? it turns out that working ahead of time (as opposed to procrastinating, which is what i usually do) really pays off. one of my baking 2 projects is due this wednesday and i pretty much had it finished last month. yay for not panicking last minute! :) i also have an anthro and psych project due, but i don't even wanna get started on that crap. basically, anthro = the death of my GPA. hopefully i'll do well enough on tuesday's test; i don't want to drop out of the class because i won't have enough credits to be a full-time student and i don't want to try and find another class so late in the semester. arghh. apparently the later in the semester it is, the lazier i am. :/

raiding the library and an update on moving

on saturday my sister and i went to the Walnut library for the first time in FOREVER, and they had a bunch of books out in the front for their april book sale. guess what my new source for cookbooks is? $1 a book? hell yes. as i didn't have any cash on me at the time, my sis agreed to get me one book and after looking through every single page and picture, i finally decided today on what i wanted to make first.

flourless chocolate cake :p

a close-up of the magnificently rich and chocolatey goodness, dusted with cocoa powder and topped with caramelized sugar. when we ate it, the inside was still warm and gooey, just as god intended chocolate cakes to be :p

all six cakes, with random sugar designs. i baked them in little ramekins this time instead of the regular 8" pan the recipe asked for, not only because i thought they would look cuter, but also because i can't seem to find my cake pan... this seems to be one of the disadvantages of moving and packing things: i can never find what i need when i need it :/

oh well. smaller things look cuter anyway :)

i'm so glad we just happened to have all the ingredients for this. plus, it totally made up for my partial disaster when i tried to make Lengua yesterday (must find grandma's recipe!)

as for how things are going with the moving: we found a place! yay! it's further from my school! WHAT? dammit. yeah, that's kinda how things have been going lately. i wasn't really fussing with my parents about the whole moving thing in the first place, and all i really asked for was a place that was somewhat closer to my school. so of course, the opposite ended up happening, and now i have 10 miles added on to my 28 mile commute -___- at least my parents seem to be confident in the new house, and they said it was better than the one we live in now (it's in north west covina).

so far i haven't actually seen the place (i've only seen pictures), but i've been trying to look on the brighter side of the whole situation (like how i'll finally have my own room again teehehee). plus, i guess i shouldn't be complaining too much about the distance. i know a girl who goes to my school once a week and lives in Riverside, and last semester i met a guy who goes there and lives in Chino. so i mean, it could be worse.

for now, i just want this all to be over with. we'll start actually moving our stuff in the new place on the 23rd, and my school semester is over at the end of may. it was raining this morning, and now i just want it to be summer already :)

movin' on up + spring break

saturday was my cousin's going away party, and we pretty much spent the whole day just cooking and preparing for it. she's going to teach english in japan for a whole year! i'm just thinking about how weird it will be to go and do all that and then return back to cali; whether things will be the same as before and you'll feel at home again, or whether in the span of one year things end up changing dramatically. we all seem to be at a point in our lives right now where it's hard to maintain a level of comfort because of the lack of stability with all these things. but that's life i guess; change is inevitable, and in the long run all we can hope for is that it will be for the better.

but ANYWAY, i spent thursday and friday making a cake for her goodbye party, even though they ended up eating it the next morning (i would rather they eat it sober than drunk anyway haha).

an aerial view of the cake. it says "sayonara stacey" in japanese. it's layers of vanilla sponge cake and a raspberry/strawberry mousse, all covered in chocolate ganache and then dusted with powdered sugar :) i wish i had a better picture of it, but oh wells. pictures never do my work justice!

i made a little diagram of the cross section of the cake to show the layers, just so you can see all my hard work haha. yay for free imitation photoshop!

anyway, i didn't actually get to eat the cake, but i was snacking on the scraps while i was making it haha. it didn't disappoint! (or that's what i thought at least).

as for my family moving, we still haven't found a place yet! what?! yeah. we've visited quite a few homes, and all the ones that seem like a good deal always have some sort of catch. we have even less time now that someone bought our house last week. they have a couple days left to back out of the offer, but that still doesn't give us much time. sighhh. i wish all this stuff wasn't such a big hassle! all i can say is, thank god for spring break. the first thing i did today was sleep in. it wasn't as delicious a sleep as i was hoping (my sis ended up waking me up early because she had school and she was getting ready) but at this point, just being able to stay in bed beyond 8 is still pretty awesome. i've already made a couple of plans for the coming days, and so far spring break seems fairly promising :)

one to be trifled with

today my dad took us to see the house they were considering getting in pomona, and geebuz that place was GHE-TTO. and not even ghettofabulous. just straight-up pitbulls in every yard, with an old tire place right behind it. people also seemed to get the impression that they could dump their stuff there, so in the back of the house there were piles of junk, including some old lumber and a baby carriage! really? the place wasn't even done being built. how can we expect to move there soon if they're not even done building it?! sighhhh.... here's hoping we move somewhere that i actually feel safe.

on a slightly less frustrating note, my baking midterm is this wednesday, and we'll have to make buttercream icing, dark chocolate mousse, lemon bouches, and write "happy birthday" in chocolate (and hopefully that's it). so in preparation for that, i practiced writing with chocolate today (even though for some reason it seemed that the more i practiced the worse it got) and then later used that chocolate to make the mousse.

since i had all this chocolate mousse, plus a vanilla cake from class that i kept in the freezer, plus a bunch of berries that i had to use for fear of them getting bad before i could, i made a faux-berry trifle (did you like my little pun in the title of this post? haha).

raspberries on top, a.k.a. the fruit that never fails to make my desserts look elegant (even though they really aren't haha)
really need to work on my layers, especially since i've never made a trifle before (who knew it would be so hard?). layers, from bottom to top: chocolate mousse, vanilla cake, mousse, strawberries, cake, mousse, raspberries.
note to self: don't put mousse in the fridge if you plan on working with it later! it stiffened up in the fridge because of the chocolate and was too hard to spread a smooth layer of it, hence the oddness of the layering here. also, apparently i forgot to soak the cake in syrup/coffee/whatever, so that part was a little dry. at this point, i don't care! it tasted bomb, and i wish i could eat more of it without feeling ashamed of myself.

on another note, this whole thing with me trying to lose weight is not really working out :( since we basically had to clear everything out of our house, that also meant that we had to take out all the exercise equipment, AND the weighing scale. and even with that gone, i can LITERALLY FEEL MYSELF GAINING WEIGHT. definitely not a good sign. dammit. why is food so tempting? why am i so weak?!! i need to work about a million times harder now at the rate i'm going.

things i need to save up for:

-a good camera

-a large bag that will actually fit all the things i need plus a change of clothes

-new flats because my last pair were ruined in the rain :(

-tart pans with removable bottoms

-gel food coloring

-circle cookie cutter set

-new spatula that WON'T melt

-Wii fit

-bikini for summahtime

-school

-the future

p.s. guess who got a 25% tip at the restaurant today? YO.
aaand for dinner tonight i made chicken in a brandy and mushroom cream sauce, saffron rice pilaf, and an orange, radish, and mint salad :p

i'm workin' on it!

so for the past 3 weeks or so i've been "working out" 2-3 times a week, mostly just running/walking on the treadmill and doing squats and stuff. this is my awkward attempt to take better care of myself haha. i didn't really work to lose the weight that i previously lost, and after all the stress of winter taking it's toll, i hit a "plateau" of sorts and actually started gaining a little weight again (oh nooes!!!).

so here's my goal: to lose at least 1 pound a week. i know this doesn't really seem like a lot, but with all the food i make both at home and at school (1 whole cake every week?! are you kidding me?!!) it's still going to be a challenge for me. besides, i'm not too sure about how much results i should expect after only working out 2 or 3 times a week. plus, my mom keeps buying ice cream! what the hell, mom?! i'm not going to be "dieting" exactly, mostly just reducing my portion sizes and trying to eat more fruits and vegetables. everything in moderation.

i'm really hoping that all that running will help me lose weight instead of just helping me gain muscle, which is what it looks like it's doing right now (my calf muscles are HUGE).

1 lb a week means that by the end of june i should lose at least 16 lbs. not too bad, right?

today for dinner i made breaded baked tilapia fillets and a spinach and romaine salad with radishes, bell peppers, tomatoes, green onions, and a spicy avocado dressing. mmm :p

baking rut + feeling a little sick

so after failing to make yeast rolls THREE TIMES* on sunday and having a stranger basically yell at me over the phone for calling about a craigslist ad that asked for cake decorators (even though they didn't say they wanted professional experience), i've felt the need recently to validate myself as a baker. soooo after a trip to costco to buy their 3 lb bag of almonds, and with my brand new food processor, i decided to take things into my own hands.

wednesday: i attempt to make french almond macarons for the first time with the help of my cousin. the taste and texture is there, but the looks are totally wrong. too big, cracks going along the top, and no feet to them. here's what they're supposed to look like if you don't know what they are: http://www.mytartelette.com/2009/08/recipe-coffee-chicory-macarons.html
fancy, right?

thursday: take the leftover ganache filling from the macarons and make espresso truffles coated in crushed almonds. okay, not really baking, but delicious nonetheless (this also was a lot less troublesome because i've made it before hahaha). mmm... truffles.... i also made a huge batch of spaghetti for my sis' bday (again, not baking, but whatever! get off my case, man!).

friday: attempt #2 at macarons; this time, with mint chocolate ganache filling. *drool* also, take the leftover egg yolks from the macarons and make creme brulee with the new ramekins i bought thursday. creme brulee!! coconut creme brulee!!! at the end of the day, the macarons are a flop, again. and actually worse than the first time! *somehow i managed to make them completely hollow :/

saturday: actually get to eat the creme brulee, as we were celebrating my sis' bday with the cousins by eating at BJ's. it would've tasted MUCH better if i didn't feel so sick. a little bit of nausea + headache + stomachaches + large amount of food = probably not a good idea. i've been laying in bed for a while now because getting up just makes me feel gross. but i DID go to Williams Sonoma today and got my new Global Chef's Knife! woot! thank god for that catering job, even if it was only for 3 days, because for those 3 days i was makin' bank!

tomorrow i'm going back to the shelter and on tuesday school starts again, and i'm definitely not looking forward to things like having to come an hour early just to scavenge for parking. sigh. these next 2 weeks are gonna be rough.

*goddamn you, bakery science, for being so difficult!

bittersweet

things are a little weird for me right now. there seems to be some things happening that are bad, but at the same time there are some things going on that are good; it''s so confusing!! what the hell!! is it too much to ask for a little security these days?!

let me just elaborate on this: just as i'm getting more and more comfortable in my relationship with the bf, even to the point where i'd actually tell my parents about him (which i thought would be a LOOONG time from now), he dumps me. and in my attempt to remain friends with him, i volunteered at the shelter today so we could cook together, and guess what? no tension, no awkwardness (to me at least; idk what he himself was thinking). we actually worked pretty damn well when we worked together, which was definitely a big surprise. so it totally sucks that we broke up, but it's totally awesome that we can still be friends and joke around and stuff. i really don't know how to feel about all this! sighhh. life is waaay too unpredictable.

also, THANK GOD for the Rescue Mission. if i had never worked there, i would never have met all these great people, i would never have gotten all this experience in high volume cooking, and i would never have gotten that weekend job last month and made that $500 (which i am planning on spending soon on a new kick-ass chef's knife). all last semester i was kind of moping around about not having an actual job, but the rescue mission is totally awesome, even if i don't get paid. plus if i make a mistake, they're pretty forgiving about it, and none of that money comes out of my pocket! aaaand since i STILL don't have a regular part-time job this semester (YET) i'll be volunteering there every sunday, which i'm really looking forward to :)

life at home is okay too. we're starting to get everything settled with my uncle's death, like closing his bank accounts and stuff. in a few weeks we're planning on going on a boat in Long Beach so we can scatter his ashes at sea, which is what he always wanted.

my school starts again next week, and hopefully things won't be incredibly stressful. i have classes tuesday to friday, but my classes on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday all end around 6pm! sighhh. why do all the classes required for me have to have such shitty hours?? ohh well. beggars can't be choosers. i got all the classes i needed for this semester (for the most part), so i guess i shouldn't complain.

so what's today's obvious-but-realized lesson? life is unpredictable. deal with it, woman! it's what all the cool kids are doing these days :)

somehow managing...

...to be productive this winter break. so far i've sewn one sweater top, one skirt, and today (or tomorrow) i will attempt to make a dress. as for cooking/baking, a couple days ago i made mini scones with whipped cream and a blackberry brandy sauce. awesomenessss. today i am attempting to make miso braised pork for lunch, which i'm hoping turns out okay (it's simmering away at this very moment). pictures of the stuff i've sewn are to come later, and hopefully the camera won't make them look so crappy.

as for my personal life, winter break so far has been kind of bittersweet. it's awesome that grace could come over, even though we didn't end up getting tattoos (hahaha), but there's been a lot of other stuff going on that's been keeping me from being happy/normal/myself. family troubles. relationship problems. i need to find a way to work these things out, or at the very least, make them a little better.

school starts in a couple of weeks, and i hope that the rest of my winter break doesn't continue in this same manner :/

2010

is it just me, or does New Year's always feel like the loneliest day of the year? i swear, it even feels lonelier than Valentine's when you don't have a significant other. i want to be with your guys, i want to be with the bf, and i AT LEAST want to be with the cousins (new year's in las vegas? LAMESAUCE). i pretty much just spent the night munching on unhealthy food, sitting around in some very uncomfortable underwear, waiting for the ball in NY to drop, and basically just being lazy as hell. is that really how i wanted to end 2009?

soooo, in my attempt to make this feel like the start of a new beginning, i shall make some resolutions for 2010.

NUMBAH ONE. get a job. a REGULAR job. while the 3-day thing was fun, it turns out i spend a lot more money than i thought -___-
TWO. practice practice PRACTICE all your shit, woman! i'm already starting to forget some of the stuff i learned in class, which is a big no no because in the culinary world, pretty much ALL of it applies to the real world.
THREE. lose some weight. 2009 was a good start (yay for losing 30 lbs!), but i'm sure as hell not done with all of that. goal: get abs by summertime!!!
FOUR. try to spend as much time as possible with the ones you love, because we learned in 2009 that they're not going to be there forever. frau rovell once told us that putting flowers on someone's grave isn't going to replace the time we lost with that person, and she's so right.
FIVE. learn to control things like impulses. i've learned recently that when i get really impulsive i don't even realize what i'm doing until it's already done. that's a BIG no no, that's how people get hurt, and that's how i end up hurting myself.

so there you have it. 5 goals for 2010; here's to somehow managing not to break them. i hope ya'll have a wonderful and prosperous year. i love you guys :)

incredibly tired

tonight was my first night of actual, PAID work. yay mee!!!! it's not a regular job (it's only for 3 days) but at least it's a start! i was helping cater and serve on a yacht in Newport for their annual Christmas yacht parade. A FREAKIN' YACHT, PEOPLE. the yacht went around the area and blasted the christmas music and we got to see all the amazing christmas lights in the area. even though there were a few mishaps, it was still an awesome experience. sighh... you can probably already tell these people are makin' bank (uhh, champagne vinaigrette for their salads? hell yeah, someone's making money). don't worry, elaine. you'll get there someday! (talking to myself sometimes makes me feel better).

i have 2 more nights of this, and then i will officially be on winter break. thank god, because i am freakin' tired. the work wasn't even strenuous or anything, it's just that i'm still so exhausted from school that adding on a few more hours in the days following may not have been the brightest idea (i came in at 4 today and left at 11 -___-).

in other news, i finally finished my finals!!! woot WOOT!! also, apparently my art teacher liked my drawings enough to ask me if he could put them in the art showcase until next semester, which is totally fine with me because i probably would have just thrown them all in the trash anyway. eughh.

so that's pretty much what's been going on with me in the past couple of days. monday will be my first official day of winter break, so HOPEFULLY i'll be able to see gracie poo and the gang sometime soon, because i LOVES ALLA YA'LL. <3

decemBURRRR

tomorrow i am officially HALFWAY done with finals. i still have my nutrition final, first aid final, beginning drawing final, and i have to turn in my journals for directed practice. i seriously cannot believe it's december already, even though we're already halfway through it!! tomorrow i plan on buying all the stuff i need to make christmas presents, and hopefully i'll be done with all of that in time for christmas :)

as for my love life, i am totally glad i have james. BUUTTT what's lame is that i just found out i can't see him for 2 weeks, which totally sucks cuz i had our wednesday date all planned out and ready for tomorrow. i even bought a new dress!!! sighhhh. i only really get to be with him once a week, so a 2 week break pretty much blows. on the plus side though, this gives me more time to finish his christmas present. hopefully he'll like it :)

on another good note, i seriously love buying dresses now that i've lost some weight. now all i need is some money to pay for it all... i also really REALLY need some money because i'm really scared my parents are gonna freak out when they see my phone bill; technically i'm not supposed to be talking on the phone at all (except for emergencies) but i've been talking to james for half an hour every night almost. hopefully things won't be too bad *wishful thinking... i need a job, dammmit!!

sighhhh. so far december has been filled with a crapload of crazy emotions, on both ends of the spectrum. hopefully the rest of december will be filled with emotions on the GOOD side of that spectrum, cuz i could really use it right now.

11:11

i wish i were happy. sometimes i just stare at the time, waiting for 11:11, just so i can make that one wish. i can't even remember how long i've been making this same wish, but it's always been the same: "i wish i were happy... please." sometimes i'll throw in the "please" if i'm feeling extra shitty. i don't even know who i'm asking this from. is it blasphemous to believe wishing something at a certain time of day can make something come true?

i think about my life; is it so sad that i feel i have to wish for some kind of happiness? no, it's really not bad at all. i have a loving, caring family, with whom i spent an awesome thanksgiving. i don't have a paying job, but i'm getting to know the volunteers and residents at work more and more, and i love it. when i started working there i never realized how much i would enjoy it, and now i feel like i can't just leave this place once the internship is over. i only work about 12 hours a week, but i certainly feel as if it has become a second home for me. i even get to spend a couple days a week with a sweet guy. he really is sweet. school's not even that difficult. by some act of God i've been able to maintain a gpa above 3.5 while barely doing any work or studying. 5 classes and an internship shouldn't be so easy. i may not have a lot of money, but i can certainly maintain some sort of life off of what i do have. i realize life's not as tough as i made it out to be. my life, at least.

so maybe it's not necessary for me to make this wish anymore. maybe now i'm just doing it out of habit, a habit i should probably break.

i love you guys :)

a cause for reflection: gender relations

originally i was going to title this entry "sexism" but i think the problem is much bigger than that. honestly, before i left high school, i never really thought about the way men treat women or women treat men. i mean, it wasn't really one of my biggest concerns at the time; i guess i just never noticed the difference before. but now the subject seems to be more and more obvious and increasingly confusing/frustrating for me, as it feels like an entirely new topic for me.

BECAUSE it feels so new and confusing (more often in a negative way), i haven't really formed a strong opinion on the whole subject. just bear with me here: without looking it up, think of YOUR definition of sexism. so when a man defends a woman in an argument BECAUSE she is a woman, is that not sexism? or when a man helps a woman with her load of work because the so-called lady "needs" help, is that not sexism? so if a guy treats me nicely or offers to help me out or anything like that just because i HAPPEN to be of the opposite sex, i never know if i should just accept the help and thank him, or if i should feel slightly offended because he is indirectly thinking of me as weaker.

because there is such a big difference in the ratio of men to women in my field, sometimes i can't help but let a little of the feminism come out. there was a time when i would enjoy the occasional sexual joke, and even partake in the joking; nowadays when i hear a guy tell a sexual joke in the kitchen it suddenly offends me, and even i am surprised at myself. because suddenly there is a BIG difference, and suddenly i realize i am no stranger to sexual harassment, and suddenly when i think of any male i feel slightly disgusted.

but i don't want it to be that way. i want to be able to meet a guy who i CAN'T think of as slightly repulsive. so why the FUCK is it SO HARD to find ANY guy like that when i'm practically surrounded by men/boys every day i go to school?! i mean, WHAT THE HELL?!! C'MON!! i don't want to be the feminist bitch in the kitchen (sooo cliche), but i definitely do NOT want to be thought of as weaker/less competent. if anyone can think of a solution for this, please, do share.

p.s. sorry for the little ranty-poo. obviously things have been getting a little weird for me lately, and when i say lately, i mean within the past year or so :/

perspective

let's start with a little story:
yesterday i was walking into the library at school so i could reserve a study room for today, and this random, middle-aged man came up to me and told me to smile. he politely asked me if i was okay, if i had been done with midterms, things like that. this actually isn't the first time that some random person has come up to me and told me to smile.

my question is: is my happiness that transparent? or unhappiness for that matter?

so transparent, in fact, that a complete stranger can see what's going on? i thought about it for a while, and i came to the conclusion that i haven't really been happy in a long time. i mean, noticeably happy. not about small wins here and there like getting a good grade on a test or getting to school or home without any traffic on the way. i mean like, happy about my life, my situation, about what's going on with me. so as i mull over what i've really been feeling lately, the only conclusion that i have come to is this: all i've been feeling lately is tired. too tired to really stop and be happy or at least complacent about the little wins that i DO get from time to time. i mean, i can recognize when something good happens to me or when i get a brush of luck, but instead of being happy about it, i can't help but just feel a little stoic about it and just brush it off as if it were nothing.

being physically and mentally tired at the same time is VERY exhausting. like today. today i woke up at 5:30am to get to my class that starts at 8:20. between those two times, i go through about an hour and a half or so of rush hour traffic, and once i get to school i have to lug around all of my stuff, which today includes my uniform, my knives, my bag, my notebook, my laptop, and an 8-inch stainless steel frying pan. today i have two classes, one from 8:20-9:25, one from 11:30-4:10, and after that i have to work on a group project which i have no idea how long THAT will last, but i know it will feel like forever since one of my group members is seriously one of the most ANNOYING guys i've ever met. i'm not even going to bother talking about the mentally tired part, mainly because it is just wayyyy too much to type out. i know you know what i mean. and i know that today is FAR from being the longest day of the week for me.

so this is basically what it's going to be like for the rest of the semester for me [insert long sigh here].

back to happiness! i've determined that this is something i SERIOUSLY need to improve on. honestly, i can't even really remember the last time i just felt COMPLACENT about my life. at the moment i've just been accepting and taking everything as it is, which is probably not that good for me. right now i just feel like i need to get everything over with and out of the way.

prescription? probably a little perspective :l

p.s.: don't get me wrong, i know life can be a WHOLE lot worse than it is now. i'm not whining! i just wanted to put how i feel out there on the table.

p.p.s.: i'm using the school's wifi for the first time right now!! and yeah, it's suuper slow.

the best laid plans of mice and men...

you know when you're about to see some crazy shit go down, but you don't really do anything about it, you just kinda stand there and watch? i knew i knew i knew that midterms were coming up, and yet here i am, cramming for 4 midterms all in one weekend. okay, so it's not really "crazy shit" but you know what i mean. speaking of crazy shit, though, the other day i passed by a car accident on the freeway and one of the people involved was walking to the other car, and i noticed she looked a lot like one of my classmates. lo and behold, she was missing from class that day! weird, huh? here's hoping she's okay.

who knows though? things never really come out the way you expect them too, and for some reason this is really true for me. one thing i have learned from this is that sometimes it works out for the best. let's say, for example, that there was a guy you were into, but you soon find out he doesn't exactly feel the same way about you. this is a good thing! because as it turns out, he's the kind of guy into drugs and alcohol and gambling and covering his body in tattoos. oh, and it turns out he's really into cheating on his girlfriend (who you DIDN'T know existed haha). but you see how it's a good thing nothing happened between us you two! it also teaches you some very valuable lessons, like not to trust a guy just cuz he's cute (actually, you should be even MORE wary of him because he is cute!).

what you really need to do is stop expecting every little thing to turn out the way you want it to, because that's just not gonna happen. for some reason i keep forgetting this, and it always seems to bite me in the ass... the other day i was cooking in class, and the recipe i was given seemed super easy. yay! i finished before the rest of the class. yay yay!! i put it on the presentation table and OH SHIT. sudden realization: it looks really ugly. i mean like, i've never seen a pasta salad look so ugly in my life, i should be ashamed of what i put on the table, god i hope no one notices the platter that has colors reminiscent of the Joker kinda ugly. it turns out it tasted pretty bland too (according to the chef -___-). clearly in this situation i just needed an ego check, because i assumed that anything i put out there would be orgasmically awesome (which it really wasn't).

but yeah. you get the point. no need for more examples of how my life has kinda screwed up the past couple of weeks life can be full of the unexpected! cuz you probably know a lot about that too. just know that there's always some kind of silver lining behind everything, even if it's just a life lesson that you should have learned a looong time ago.