baking rut + feeling a little sick

so after failing to make yeast rolls THREE TIMES* on sunday and having a stranger basically yell at me over the phone for calling about a craigslist ad that asked for cake decorators (even though they didn't say they wanted professional experience), i've felt the need recently to validate myself as a baker. soooo after a trip to costco to buy their 3 lb bag of almonds, and with my brand new food processor, i decided to take things into my own hands.

wednesday: i attempt to make french almond macarons for the first time with the help of my cousin. the taste and texture is there, but the looks are totally wrong. too big, cracks going along the top, and no feet to them. here's what they're supposed to look like if you don't know what they are: http://www.mytartelette.com/2009/08/recipe-coffee-chicory-macarons.html
fancy, right?

thursday: take the leftover ganache filling from the macarons and make espresso truffles coated in crushed almonds. okay, not really baking, but delicious nonetheless (this also was a lot less troublesome because i've made it before hahaha). mmm... truffles.... i also made a huge batch of spaghetti for my sis' bday (again, not baking, but whatever! get off my case, man!).

friday: attempt #2 at macarons; this time, with mint chocolate ganache filling. *drool* also, take the leftover egg yolks from the macarons and make creme brulee with the new ramekins i bought thursday. creme brulee!! coconut creme brulee!!! at the end of the day, the macarons are a flop, again. and actually worse than the first time! *somehow i managed to make them completely hollow :/

saturday: actually get to eat the creme brulee, as we were celebrating my sis' bday with the cousins by eating at BJ's. it would've tasted MUCH better if i didn't feel so sick. a little bit of nausea + headache + stomachaches + large amount of food = probably not a good idea. i've been laying in bed for a while now because getting up just makes me feel gross. but i DID go to Williams Sonoma today and got my new Global Chef's Knife! woot! thank god for that catering job, even if it was only for 3 days, because for those 3 days i was makin' bank!

tomorrow i'm going back to the shelter and on tuesday school starts again, and i'm definitely not looking forward to things like having to come an hour early just to scavenge for parking. sigh. these next 2 weeks are gonna be rough.

*goddamn you, bakery science, for being so difficult!

bittersweet

things are a little weird for me right now. there seems to be some things happening that are bad, but at the same time there are some things going on that are good; it''s so confusing!! what the hell!! is it too much to ask for a little security these days?!

let me just elaborate on this: just as i'm getting more and more comfortable in my relationship with the bf, even to the point where i'd actually tell my parents about him (which i thought would be a LOOONG time from now), he dumps me. and in my attempt to remain friends with him, i volunteered at the shelter today so we could cook together, and guess what? no tension, no awkwardness (to me at least; idk what he himself was thinking). we actually worked pretty damn well when we worked together, which was definitely a big surprise. so it totally sucks that we broke up, but it's totally awesome that we can still be friends and joke around and stuff. i really don't know how to feel about all this! sighhh. life is waaay too unpredictable.

also, THANK GOD for the Rescue Mission. if i had never worked there, i would never have met all these great people, i would never have gotten all this experience in high volume cooking, and i would never have gotten that weekend job last month and made that $500 (which i am planning on spending soon on a new kick-ass chef's knife). all last semester i was kind of moping around about not having an actual job, but the rescue mission is totally awesome, even if i don't get paid. plus if i make a mistake, they're pretty forgiving about it, and none of that money comes out of my pocket! aaaand since i STILL don't have a regular part-time job this semester (YET) i'll be volunteering there every sunday, which i'm really looking forward to :)

life at home is okay too. we're starting to get everything settled with my uncle's death, like closing his bank accounts and stuff. in a few weeks we're planning on going on a boat in Long Beach so we can scatter his ashes at sea, which is what he always wanted.

my school starts again next week, and hopefully things won't be incredibly stressful. i have classes tuesday to friday, but my classes on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday all end around 6pm! sighhh. why do all the classes required for me have to have such shitty hours?? ohh well. beggars can't be choosers. i got all the classes i needed for this semester (for the most part), so i guess i shouldn't complain.

so what's today's obvious-but-realized lesson? life is unpredictable. deal with it, woman! it's what all the cool kids are doing these days :)

done and done!

so i did it. i told my parents and my sister about james, and they seem pretty accepting of it, which is all i could ever ask for. it's pretty awesome actually, to get all of this off of my chest. they actually didn't make as big a deal of it as i thought they would (no one even asked me what his name was except for my mom haha).

i've been contemplating redecorating my side of the room (or the wall at least). right now it's mostly covered in stuff from high school and some drawings of the stuff i've made, and i'm planning on taking a lot of that stuff down and just making a couple of large paintings and putting those up instead. also, i finally get to put up that kick-ass drawing that james gave me for christmas (i've had it stashed away for a while now because he signed his name at the bottom and i was just scared of getting caught!). but now i have nothing to worry about!

there's only 2 weeks of winter break left but it's finally starting to get better and better. awesome. :)

should i...?

i've been wondering lately if i should tell my parents about my boyfriend. i'm certain what we have is a serious relationship, and to be honest, things would be a lot easier on me (if they ALLOW me to be with him, that is). for instance, i always have to lie and tell my parents that i'm going out with my friends when in reality, i'm just going to church with him. so on a day when i'd go to church with him and come home late (it's usually 7:30-10), what my parents are probably thinking is that i'm out "gallavanting" with my friends late at night (as my mom would say).

honestly, i'm kinda getting tired of always having to come up with lame excuses and made-up plans when really, i'm not doing anything too crazy.

i've been trying to think of the pros and cons of this plan, but i'm still not entirely sure what the correct decision would be. any suggestions/comments???

somehow managing...

...to be productive this winter break. so far i've sewn one sweater top, one skirt, and today (or tomorrow) i will attempt to make a dress. as for cooking/baking, a couple days ago i made mini scones with whipped cream and a blackberry brandy sauce. awesomenessss. today i am attempting to make miso braised pork for lunch, which i'm hoping turns out okay (it's simmering away at this very moment). pictures of the stuff i've sewn are to come later, and hopefully the camera won't make them look so crappy.

as for my personal life, winter break so far has been kind of bittersweet. it's awesome that grace could come over, even though we didn't end up getting tattoos (hahaha), but there's been a lot of other stuff going on that's been keeping me from being happy/normal/myself. family troubles. relationship problems. i need to find a way to work these things out, or at the very least, make them a little better.

school starts in a couple of weeks, and i hope that the rest of my winter break doesn't continue in this same manner :/

2010

is it just me, or does New Year's always feel like the loneliest day of the year? i swear, it even feels lonelier than Valentine's when you don't have a significant other. i want to be with your guys, i want to be with the bf, and i AT LEAST want to be with the cousins (new year's in las vegas? LAMESAUCE). i pretty much just spent the night munching on unhealthy food, sitting around in some very uncomfortable underwear, waiting for the ball in NY to drop, and basically just being lazy as hell. is that really how i wanted to end 2009?

soooo, in my attempt to make this feel like the start of a new beginning, i shall make some resolutions for 2010.

NUMBAH ONE. get a job. a REGULAR job. while the 3-day thing was fun, it turns out i spend a lot more money than i thought -___-
TWO. practice practice PRACTICE all your shit, woman! i'm already starting to forget some of the stuff i learned in class, which is a big no no because in the culinary world, pretty much ALL of it applies to the real world.
THREE. lose some weight. 2009 was a good start (yay for losing 30 lbs!), but i'm sure as hell not done with all of that. goal: get abs by summertime!!!
FOUR. try to spend as much time as possible with the ones you love, because we learned in 2009 that they're not going to be there forever. frau rovell once told us that putting flowers on someone's grave isn't going to replace the time we lost with that person, and she's so right.
FIVE. learn to control things like impulses. i've learned recently that when i get really impulsive i don't even realize what i'm doing until it's already done. that's a BIG no no, that's how people get hurt, and that's how i end up hurting myself.

so there you have it. 5 goals for 2010; here's to somehow managing not to break them. i hope ya'll have a wonderful and prosperous year. i love you guys :)